Not that real!
- Yeah! - That sucker's gonna show, dude!
Hey, come on. Come on.
Can we get back to therapy now?
Yes.
Yes, we can.
Hi, you've reached the happy couple.
We can't come to the phone right now
because we're busy loving each other.
And making our marriage work.
Leave a message! Leave a message!
Hi. This is Annette calling
from Dr. Twitchell's office.
Hello.
- Yes, Mrs. Fuller? - Yes.
The doctor needed to cancel today's session,
and she was wondering if you could do Friday?
Do you have anything after 3:00 p. m., possibly?
- The doctor can do 4:00. - Oh, perfect.
- That works for me. - We'll see you then.
- Great, see you then. - Thanks so much.
- She totally bought it. - Beautiful. Beautiful.
- Beautiful. - You owe me.
Come on with your come on You don't fight fair
That's okay, see if I care
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Hit me with your best shot
Fire away
Hello?
Jack?
Taxi!
Come on, man! Hey!
- Hey, hey, hey! Wait a minute.
Oh, come on!
Twitchell... Twitchell...
Dr. Twitchell speaking.
- Yes, hi, this is Joy Fuller. - Mrs. Fuller.
Yes. I got a phone call from Annette
saying that our session was canceled today.
- I just wanted to double-check that. - Your session is definitely still on.
And any absence is considered contempt of court.
It is?
Asshole! Trying to get me to miss therapy!
75th and Riverside, and step on it!
Okay.
- What? - Hey!
Good luck paying for that cab without your wallet.
Only five dollars?
You stole my wallet?
Lost your wallet, huh? Get out.
Come on. What do you want? We can work something out here.
- Show me your breasts. - What?
You'd be surprised how often it happens.
- Okay, one breast. That's all you get. - All right.
Nothing like a nice boob. What is your problem?
What? I like breasts. Sue me.
Is there any way around this?
Does it look like there is a way around this?
Go!
So 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me
Because you look so fine And I really wanna make you mine
- How many for 10 of these? - Ten for $2.
- Okay. Here, take five. - Okay.
Now you don't need that money when you look like that, do ya honey
I know we ain't got much to say
Before I let you get away, yeah!
There's Brooklyn. Very exciting. Everyone, back on the bus!
What a day, huh?
Is this seat taken?
Pardon. Excuse me. Sorry.
- You are so immature! - Please, woman!
Go away!
- That really hurt! - Oh, no! You're hurting me!
And here we are, Central Park.
Yes, isn't it beautiful?
Half an hour, people. That's 30 minutes for those on the metric system.
I'll take that! You mind?
What? - Thank you!
Hey!
Well I could see you home with me
But you were with another man, yeah!
I know we ain't got much to say
Idiot!
Before I let you get away, yeah!
I said are you gonna be my girl?
No, you're wrong. You can't remember anything.
You're remembering your first date with somebody else!
No! It was not our first date!
You keep thinking that. You always did. You are demented!
It was not! It was!
Your memory...
Mine? You can't remember the date!
Yes, it's your...
Hi, honey! Welcome home!
Mom! Dad!
What are you doing here?
Well, I got a message from your parents,
and I thought I'd surprise you and invite them over for dinner.
You know that I've never been invited over here?
No! Really?
Why didn't you tell us you got married?
I know you're still mad at me about the firing,
but you get married and you don't tell us?
That is very, very hurtful.
- Especially... - Dad, I...
Especially when it's a catch like Joy here.
- What? - Well...
We're so proud of you, Jack!
We didn't think you'd ever settle down.
But then we met this wonderful girl. You couldn't have done better!
We are very proud of you, Son.
- Okay. Love biscuit? - Yes, tinkle monkey?
Can I speak to you for one second?
Of course!
He probably just wants to give me a big smooch.
We haven't seen each other all day!
My God! How weird is it going to be in court
when your parents are character witnesses for me?
Well, obviously, you haven't told them everything.
No, I was waiting for you to do that.
What if we didn't?
What would it take for you to just keep this our little secret for a little bit?
I want the bathroom door back.
And I want the toilet seat left the F down.
No.
- One time up... - I got it.
...and I make the call.
- Done. - Okay.
Well, Jack, Sr., you know, it is just so nice
to finally meet the man who has taught Jack everything he knows.
- I tried. Well, something must've stuck.
Do you know he made this bar we're sitting at?
Isn't it beautiful? I mean, look.
Dovetail's off on the corner.
It's off!
Well, I think it's great.
I actually think that Jack could sell his furniture.
I don't know. That would require actually finishing it.
Maybe you should try telling Jack you don't want him to finish it,
then maybe he would actually do it.
What are you doing on Saturday?
You've got to come to Uncle Pat's birthday in the park with us.
I would love to.
She went after my family!
Dude, you're letting this chick get in your head.
Yeah, I know.
Now I'm going to figure out how to get into hers.
You should never let a chick get in your head.
That's why I prefer not to even talk to my dates.
Yes!
Why didn't I think of this before? If she's going to play dirty, so am I.
- Hi. - Hey. Jameson, on the rocks.
- You're Mason, right? - Yeah.
I'm Jack Fuller. I'm a friend of Joy's.
- Joy's? - Yeah.
I just wanted to give you this back.
She threw it in the trash.
But, you know, guy code, I couldn't just let it end up in the trash.
I mean, you spent, what, like, five, six thousand on this thing.
Actually, thirty grand.
I got it.
All right. Well, thanks.
Okay.
Hey, how's she doing?
You know, she's good.
She's probably put on some weight, though, right?
From all the emotional eating due to the break-up?
You really lived up to the billing. You know that?
Joy told me what an impressive guy you are.
Oh! Yeah.
She said she was trying to be so perfect, because
deep down, she never really felt like she was good enough to be with you.
But those insecurities are long gone now.
She's really come into her own. She's on fire!
I'll tell you what, she not gonna be on the open market for very long.
- It's a feeding frenzy out there! - A feeding frenzy, huh? Yeah.
Well, I gotta get going.
My Uncle Pat is having a birthday party tomorrow in Grove Park.
Joy and I are going.
Anyway, I gotta go pick up the present she got for him. Bag of weed!
- Her idea! - Really?
- She's on fire! - Wow.
On fire.
Well, thanks again.
Stripper! Hiya!
- I so want to junk punch that guy. - What's with you and junk punching?
- Joy? - Hi!
I'm so glad you could make it. Hey, sweetie.
- Hi! This is my girlfriend, Tipper. - Hi, Tipper. Judy.
- Thanks for calling. - Where's Jack?
He's over there, coaching the Little League.
Do you know what it's like to fall on the floor?
And cry your guts out till you got no more
Come on, sweetheart. I want my new daughter-in-law
- to meet the whole family. - Smile!
One, two, three,
- Rockets! - Rockets!
Who wants sugar? Let's go!
What is this, like a five-foot hoagie?
- Hi! - Hi.
This is my niece, and BFF, the great Sammy Sosa.
Sammy, this is your Aunt Joy.
- Nice to meet you, Sammy. - Hi, Joy.
I didn't know you coached Little League.
Oh, there's a lot of things you don't know about me. Isn't that right?
Jack wore a little fedora and a leather jacket to school
every day for six months.
Who wouldn't want to be Indiana Jones?
I agree completely. I mean,
Raiders of the Lost Ark may be the greatest movie ever made.
- I don't think I like what's going on here. - What, are we bonding now?
She doesn't seem so bad, Uncle Jack.
I think you guys should just split the money and stay married.
Make a hundred pretty babies.
You told her?
Yeah, I don't have secrets from Sammy. I tell her everything.
Hey man now you're really living
Well I just saw the sun rise over the hill Never used to give me much of a thrill
But hey man now you're really living
Well, ladies, I believe this is where we go our separate ways.
Thank you.
People sing
Do you know what it's like to fall on the floor?
And cry your guts out till you got no more
Hey man now you're really living
Joy!
Mason.
- What are you doing here? - I was just visiting some friends.
- In Brooklyn? - Well, yeah. Yeah.
Brooklyn. The B.K. Love it here.
Yeah, they're artists. Yeah.
Hey, you want to go grab a glass of vino? Maybe chat up for a bit?
I can't right now. Sorry.
- Okay, all right. Well, maybe next week. - I have my retreat.
Wow!
You seem fine.
No, I mean, you look great. Doesn't she look great? You look great.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
I... Yeah.
- I gotta go. - Yeah, me, too. Me, too.
- All right, well, maybe some other time. - Yeah.
Good seeing you. Good bumping into you like that. Weird.
Take care.
- Oh, my God. You're falling for her. - What?
- You're falling for your wife! You idiot! - What are you talking about?
- She's a wily temptress. - "A wily temptress. "
- Yes! - You just said "wily temptress. "
Yes, I did, because that is what she is.
And what do wily temptresses do, Jack?
They tempt in a wily fashion. And then they play you.
Tempt, play, tempt, play. And she's playing you, my friend.
Don't let her play you out of what is rightfully yours.
Keep your eyes on the prize, Jack! Eyes on the prize.
Hey, McNally. What'd you do, take the weekend off?
- Oh... - Have fun?
No, I remember when I didn't care about my career, either.
I'm sorry, I just had this thing this weekend with my husband's family...
Your husband? You got married?
Well, thanks for the invite. I didn't even know you had a boyfriend.
Yeah, no, I'm married. I didn't tell you that?
No, you didn't. I guess you're not a big sharer.
Now, listen, Joy, I've been in this business for a long time.
And the thing that I value most in my employees is honesty.
So I'm gonna be honest with you. Right now, you and Chong are tied.
Now, Chonger is bringing her husband to the retreat.
- I think you should bring yours, too. - He will be there.
- You can count on it, sir. - Good.
So let me get this straight.
She asked you to come to a retreat for her job.
Yeah.
The most important thing to her in the world.
Do you believe that? I was like, "No!"
'Cause I'm like... I'm like, "Hey, what are you still doing here?"
Jack! You have got to get your ass down there,
pretend to be the perfect husband, charm them all, and then,
when you have them eating out of the palm of your hand,
you make her sign this.
- What's this? - This is a document, okay,
relinquishing all the rights to the money.
Right? You tell her if she doesn't sign it, you're gonna out her in front of everybody.
Yeah.
I mean, that's not, you know...
It's not pretty, but we can...
I can laminate it.
- I don't know. - Okay, look, Jack, the hearing's in a week.
Okay? This is our last shot.
- Hey, McNally. - Mr. Banger.
So, where's this husband of yours?
I just met Chonger's husband. He's a very smart guy.
He's a tool, but he's smart.
He's...
So the spaceman says, "I don't even have a vagina!"
He's there!
I'll just take this to him.
Mr. Banger, I just wanted to take this moment
to express to you my gratitude.
I'll be seeing you at the...
The dining table.
- Hey, hey! - Hey.
I'm so glad to see you.
Muffin, I've been looking everywhere for you.
This is why everyone should have their wife on LoJack.
Let me introduce you to my friends. This is David Young, your CFO.
Mr. Young. An honor. Hi.
And this is the rest of your board, actually.
Great people. Wealthy people. Sit down, sit down, sit down.
So you're the lucky guy.
- Hi. Jack Fuller. - I'm Richard Banger.
You're in my seat.
Wait, your name is Richard Banger?
Your name is Dick Banger.
Dick Banger! Dick Banger?
You, sir, have just provided us with jokes for the whole weekend!
Well, you must be Jack... off!
Jack-Off! Give it to me, baby!
- Jack-Off, buddy! - He has a comeback!
McNally, where have you been hiding this guy?
You know, I've just been keeping him all to myself!
Well, you gotta learn how to share.
All right, everybody, let's sit down. Brainiac, Chonger, move over.
"Jack-Off. " How about it? Oh, boy.
I don't know what made you change your mind, and I don't need to. I just...
Thank you.
- "Jack-Off. " I love that. - Yeah, I do, too.
I love that, that you said that. Because it was...
For a moment there, I...
I'm so sorry.
Joy, come on over! Joy!
I'm on it!
- Yeah! - I'm on it.
Yeah! Yeah!
One looks for happiness One longs to find a partner
One knows that nowadays One love will be the answer
One sees a crazy world One needs a fresh perspective
- Hey. - So what's up? She sign it yet?
No, not yet.
You better not be pussying out on me!
Don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm just waiting for her to get down here.
Got to warm these people up, you know?
All right, well, call me when it's done, okay?
I'm holding down the fort in the meantime.
- Yeah. All right. - Bye.
Lavender.
You get on my head.
Oh, my God. That is slick. That is something else.
- Can you believe this? - No.
I guess I was wrong. You do clean up pretty well.
What?
No, you just... You...
I like your hair like that.
Thanks.
Can I get two shots?
You know what? Make it three.
Hello, McNally. Jack-Off, how are you doing?
- Hey, Mr. Banger. - How are you?
Good.
Cheers.
"Hello, my name is Joy's Bitch. "
How's it going tonight? You guys having fun?
That's a good one, McNally. I had no idea you were so much fun.
She's very serious at work.
You don't know her that well. This one's a wildcat.
- I wouldn't lie to you, Big Dick. - Well, if you did, I'd have to kill you.
- Seriously. - There's nothing this woman loves
- more than a good dare. - Really?
Yeah. You ever see what she can do with a champagne bottle?
- Unbelievable. Shocking. - No, it's just... It's a party trick. It's not...
I dare you.
- I hate you. - You love me.
Very good! Very good!
Terrific! You know, had I seen this side of you before,
I probably would have promoted you a long time ago.
Get down on it
- That's a lot. - Your turn.
You know what? You shouldn't do that.
You've got this, okay?
Throw the dice.
You've got this.
- We need what, a seven? - A seven!
- Okay. - Throw a seven!
Seven.
Oh, my God!
- Thank you. Thank you. - You're welcome.
We're done. Can we quit? Can we quit? We're... Okay.
Throw it in there.
Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please gather round?
Come on. Don't be afraid. This year's Golden Handshake Award
for best team spirit goes to a new face,
and one of the funniest son of a bitches I've ever had the pleasure to know.
And I think you know who I'm talking about.
- Jack-Off! Jack-Off! Jack-Off! - Jack-Off! Jack-Off! Jack-Off!
Get up here! Come on!
Congratulations, Jack-Off.
Well, thank you all for an amazing weekend. I...
I have to thank my wife, Joy.
She probably never told you all the story about how we met.
It might come as a surprise to many of you
that we didn't know each other for very long before we got hitched.
What can I say? You know? When you know, you know.
On our wedding night, we were so busy running back to the honeymoon suite
that we never really got a chance to have a first dance.
So...
Ladies and gentlemen,
for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Jack Fuller!
First, when there's nothing
but a slow glowing dream
That your fear seems to hide...
You hear that?
- They're clinking. - Yeah. They are clinking.
I think that means they want us to kiss.
Well, if that's what the crowd wants...
Yeah, but if you're not up for it, you don't have to. It's fine.
In a world made of steel
Made of stone
Well, I hear the music
Close my eyes, feel the rhythm
Wrap around
Take a hold of my heart
What a feeling!
Being's believing
I can't have it all Now I'm dancing for my life
Take your passion
And make it happen
All right, look.
When's the last time you were, like, really happy?
- Really happy? - And don't say Vegas,
because if you do, I'll just... I'll have to cry.
Okay.
There was this one day,
before the Exchange, before Mason.
I was feeling really adventurous, so I took the ferry
- about 30 miles east of the city. - Mmm-hmm.
There was this great lighthouse.
I mean, it was just right on the beach, off the boardwalk.
- You went there by yourself? - Yeah.
You know, I just, like, sat on the beach,
listened to the waves, watched the sunset.
God! I had no concerns, you know? I had, like, no responsibilities,
no job stressing me out.
I had no one to please but myself.
- That's that photo you have. - Yeah.
That was a great day.
I did take myself out of the game.
If you stop betting,
you never have to lose.
I'd bet on you, Jack.
So, long day, huh?
Yeah.
So, we should probably get to bed.
Yep.
Can you undo my zipper?
- It gets stuck. - Yeah! Yeah.
Absolutely.
All right.
All right. Okay. There it is.
Thanks.
Hey, I... These...
- I wasn't in your things. - It's okay. Just leave them right there.
I can put them back.
Good night, Mr. Fuller.
Good night, Mrs. Fuller.
It's all right
Everything's all right
It's all right
Everything's all right
It's okay
Okay, I'm on my way. I know.
It's almost over. I'm about to be a free woman.
- Joy. Joy! - What?
I have to go.
- Mason? - Yeah.
I can't talk right now. I'm sorry. I have to get going. I just...
I want you back, Joy.
- What? - I made a huge mistake letting you go.
I see that now.
Seeing you the other day, you had this glow about you.
Not that you didn't before, it's just...
Sometimes it takes losing something
for you to realize what you had.
I want to make up for the wrong I did to you.
This is yours.
I gave it to you, and I want you to have it.
- Where did you get this? - And Joy,
you are good enough for me.
I mean that!
Court is called to order.
Well, lookie here, lookie here! The happy couple!
Six months down the road. Did you learn anything?
We'll see.
Now, Dr. Twitchell, in your opinion, did the couple,
Jack Fuller and Joy McNally,
obey the court order to live together as man and wife,
and do you believe they put sufficient effort into the marriage?
These two have
a lot of issues.
A lot of deeply unsettling issues
that, as individuals, they seriously need to work on.
Seriously.
But together, in my honest opinion,
they're perfect for each other.
It's the real thing.
Go figure.
Well, thank you, Doctor. You may step down.
Tipper!
Hi, Your Honor.
Have you lost weight?
Gotcha. Let's begin.
Although Ms. McNally ran up $25,000 in credit card debt in my client's name,
my client recently spent the same amount
for materials for his new furniture business.
Therefore, we propose the following settlement, Your Honor.
The original $3 million, deduct half for taxes
and $50,000 that's already been spent,
that leaves $1.45 million to be divided...
equally.
Now that's the spirit! You've learned to share! Do you accept?
No, Your Honor, we do not.
Gold-digging whore.
My client has advised me that she doesn't want any of the money.
She just wants a divorce.
Miss McNally, are you sure?
Yes, Your Honor, I am.
Well, then I hereby grant the divorce and award all the monies to Mr. Fuller.
Court adjourned.
You win, Jack.
I officially want nothing from you.
Oh, my God.
I won a case! Jesus Christ!
Dude, we won!
I won!
Yeah! I'm the law, bitches!
I'm a lawyer!
To me!
Anybody need a lawyer?
And tonight I have to leave it
Time heals all wounds.
Now that you guys are officially done, I was hoping to maybe get her number.
Yes, tonight I have to leave it
Don't you come up to me and say you like it
Yeah, okay.
You don't have to answer that right now.
Hey, I have a question.
How much does an island cost?
And tonight I have to leave it
Yes, tonight I have to leave it
Now we come to the final item on our agenda.
Congratulations, McNally.
Thank you, sir. I won't let you down.
Okay, I think I'm gonna have to let you down.
Why don't you just give it to Chong, you know?
She's good, she deserves it,
and besides, I think she just enjoys being miserable.
- Yes! - You sure you know what you're doing?
No, I don't. But I think that's the point.
I would rather do nothing and be happy
than do something that I don't love.
Well, I lost her at happy.
I don't know what the hell she was trying to say anyway.
Well done, Chonger. The job is yours.
Thank you.
So! Jack made a piece of furniture.
He finished it.
Okay. Go ahead, Dad. What's wrong with it?
Nothing. It's good.
It's really good. I'm proud of you.
- Thank you. - But...
Here we go.
...you royally screwed up when it comes to that girl.
It was a big, stupid mistake. Okay? The entire marriage was a lie!
The marriage might have been a mistake, but it was not a lie.
And I think that anybody who has spent time with you two recently
could tell you that.
So why don't you get your head out of your ass
and go do something about it?
Or should I tell you not to, and then maybe you will?
She's gone, man. - Gone? What do you mean, gone?
She, like, lost it. She quit her job, shut off her phone. She took off.
Look, I don't really care much for you,
and I want to cut your friend Hater. Seriously.
But for some reason,
you're, like, the only man that Joy can actually be herself with,
so I wanna tell you where she is, I really do. I just don't know.
- What do you know? - I don't know. If you were miserable
and you wanted to get happy again, where would you go?
What?
Thank you.
Okay, tell you what. We both go.
That way, when she sees us both,
she can make up her mind on who she wants to be with.
I've loaned you my band saw, I've loaned you my beer tap.
Do you even know how to drive an automatic?
The keys. Give me the keys.
Here. Sorry.
Go get your future ex-ex-wife.
What a waste of time The thought crossed my mind
But I never missed a beat
Can't explain the who or what I was
Trying to believe
What would you do?
Do you know?
I once had a grip on everything
It feels better to let go
I'm not over
I'm not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You're not that easy to forget
I'm not over
You found me.
You left this behind,
and I wanted to bring it back to you.
Do you know how many lighthouses there are 30 miles east of the city?
- How many? - Five.
- Really? - Yeah, just in case you're wondering.
So.
Did you come all the way out here just to give this back to me?
I did. So I'm going to get out of here.
All right. Here it is.
When we were married, I was horrible.
Sick. Just wrong.
And it's the best time I've ever had.
You bet on me, Joy,
and you made me want to bet on myself.
So don't think about anyone else
and just answer this for you.
Do you want to be married to me?
Again?
You know,
for so long, I've just... I've tried to please everybody.
And by not trying to please you,
I think I became myself again.
I do
want to be married to you again.
I quit my job.
I heard.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. No clue.
Well, it's a good thing that I have... That we have a ton of money.
Oh, my God!
That's right. We hit the jackpot.
Yeah, I did.
Now, Joy, do you take this young man
to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health...
Uh-huh.
...for richer or for poorer...
I do. I take him.
Naughty! Naughty!
Jack, would you put the ring upon her finger?
- Was that the one? - That was it! Oh, my God!
You may kiss the bride.
This is the greatest day of my life!
- This is the greatest day of my... - What? What?
Oh, my...
This is marvelous, simply marvelous.
- Bye! Thank you! - Bye-bye.
Have fun, you guys!
It's so much fun in there! You guys are gonna love it!
Woman! - Holy shit.
Woman! - I'm coming!
Hey!
PLAYING)
No one here likes you Go away get a clue
Go back to your... zoo
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Why?
You know why!
No one here likes you Go away, get a clue
Go back to your... zoo or whatever it is you do
I don't know why I don't like what's in your eyes
And I'd love to split them wide
I could pretend
Can't you understand I hate you my friend
Some call it an obsession
And some call it a good hate
And I'll just call it pathetic
But some totally relate
I'd rather go to hell than shake your hand or wish you well
In case you couldn't tell
Go ahead, boy, drink your drink Go ahead, boy, do your thing
Can you learn the words to every song I sing
I could pretend
Can't you understand I hate you my friend
Some call it an obsession
And some call it a good hate
And I'll just call it pathetic
But some totally relate
No one here likes you Go away, get a clue
Go back to your... zoo or whatever it is you do
I could pretend
Can't you understand I hate you my friend
What are you doing later? You know, there's a meteor shower tonight.
You know what?
Jack was our glue.
I feel like the fact that he's gone makes us a little closer.
No, it makes us a little bit just...
The opposite of that.
You like to party?